Thankful, Grateful, Blessed

“So, I know I haven’t been providing daily updates on the things I’m most thankful for, but I did want to share some especially exciting news and something for which I feel so grateful this Thanksgiving season.  Please enjoy the video below. :)”

That was the Facebook status I had planned on sharing with my Facebook family this Thanksgiving.  Odd, I know, to plan a status update weeks in advance, but when you’re home sick for three weeks due to uncompromising, unrelenting nausea, you have a lot, seriously A LOT, of time to just sit and think.  Besides, Thanksgiving was to fall one day after I would have celebrated my 12^th week of pregnancy – the time when most doctors believe you are in the “clear,” free from a majority of pregnancy complications.

My sweet baby, however, never quite made it that far.

I’ll spare everyone the details, but will say that I started losing the baby Wednesday night and I lost a lot of blood in the process – I knew in my heart that the baby, like our other from only three years ago, had made a premature departure to be with our Heavenly Father.  There did come a point, however, where I seriously started to worry about my own health as I felt increasingly more weak and unable to stay awake the more blood I lost.

The next day I went in for an ultrasound to confirm what I already knew.  In a lot of ways, this felt like de ja vue – waiting, on a table, with a gut feeling that I would hear news that would absolutely break my heart (anyone not familiar with this story can read more in my previous post This Side of Heaven).  Having learned from the last time - when the ultrasound tech cried upon the discovery of our lost twin - I went ahead and told the technician that I had lost a lot of blood and to please not feel alarmed if she didn’t see anything – I simply couldn’t stand the thought of seeing someone else upset.

And, again, like the last time, the tech found a lifeless baby in my womb.  With the twins, by body should have either passed or absorbed the baby much sooner than it did; this time, with so much blood lost, my body should have run its natural course and removed our baby on its own... 

I guess my body has as hard of a time as my heart when it comes to letting go. 

After the ultrasound we discussed options with my doctor and determined that to prevent further blood loss and potential hemorrhage, I should opt for a D&C procedure, which is exactly what we did.  And after several miserable hours in the hospital (remember, my body still responded as though I was pregnant and the nausea was at an all-time high), I had the operation and was released to go home.

The most difficult part of the day was the wheelchair ride through the labor and delivery floor, to the elevator, then to the lobby where I waited for Jeff to bring the car from the parking garage – I guess I’d always imagined that the wheelchair ride through Rochester General would be accompanied by a brand new baby in my arms; instead, my arms held my Wrigley coat and “The Runaway Jury,” the book Jeff had brought to keep him busy while I was in for surgery.  For arms that were so full, they sure felt so incredibly empty…

On the way home, we stopped at Jimmy Johns to grab sandwiches to go – what a nice change to WANT to eat; seriously, it had been a while since I felt like I could tolerate anything other than a baked potato.

Most of the rest of the night is a blur.  I vaguely remember eating and also remember bits and pieces of the boys coming home from our neighbor’s house (more on that in a moment).  I also remember Jeff waking me up from my nap on the couch to help me upstairs.  Before I called it a night, however, I wanted to open one of the three packages from Amazon that had sat in our dining room since Wednesday afternoon.  You see, on Monday I had gone on a bit of a shopping spree for our nieces and nephews and I felt as though looking at Christmas gifts would boost my spirits.  Unfortunately, when I opened the box I found some Palmer’s Coconut Lotion, meant for preventing pregnancy stretch marks – OUCH… what are the chances, right?

Anyway, the remainder of the night I alternated between the deepest sleep of my life (no doubt, a residual effect from the medication) and a mind that was so full of thoughts it refused to let me rest.

One of the thoughts that most commonly kept preventing my slumber was “Three is a Magic Number.”  Since I was a little girl that has been my all-time favorite Schoolhouse Rock song and last night it played through my head as I thought about how, two times now, I should have been the mother of three.  Maybe for me, “three” isn’t just magic- it’s simply not meant to be.

All of that being said, it’s been a rough couple of days.  But, here’s the good news…

I will, without doubt, have moments, likely even full-days over the next few months where I have a longing to hold the baby who’s face I’ve never seen – I’m not naïve to that fact.  I, however, have a peace that surpasses all others, knowing how much love and support I have from family, friends, neighbors (who, let’s face it, are our family in NY!), and coworkers.    I seriously am more blessed than I deserve.  With this in mind, I would like to share a list of the many, many things for which I am thankful this Thanksgiving season and always.

       ~My husband who strikes the perfect balance between being the strength I need to make it through difficult days as well as the man who isn’t afraid to tell me that he’s hurting too.  I love him with my whole heart and hope he knows that he is my rock, my best friend, and the absolute love of my life.

~Jake, who was so excited to have another baby that of all the people in the world, I most dreaded telling him the news.  Jake, as you all know, is a thinker .  While he was pensive when we shared about the loss, he mentioned that he thought it was really great that his brother or sister was “with God and Jesus,” then hopped off his barstool to hug me and tell me that he was so happy I was feeling better – since he was born, Jake has always known when I needed a little extra love… so thankful for that.

~Eli – my sweet boy who is so laid back and so sweet.  This kid gives the warmest, most amazing hugs and can brighten even the darkest of days with just a simple smile.  What a blessing to have a son who is the perfect combination of rough-and-tough boy and a sweet, sensitive soul.

    ~My mom, dad and step-mom who are all such incredible prayer warriors.  They know that God provides comfort, but are also quick to remind me that God understands that we can feel sad, angry, frustrated, and confused  and that feeling these things is not only OK, it’s normal and expected.  They always know just what to say.

    ~My cousin Donna and Aunt Deb who are always the first to reach out and tell me they love me and are thinking about me.  When I hurt, they hurt.  I love them more than words can say and wish so much that I could see them more often.

    ~My in-laws: from my sisters-in-law to Larry and Theresa, I am so incredibly fortunate to be a Garman.  Their words of support mean so, so much.  Larry and Theresa sent this thoughtful gift this afternoon.

~My neighbors… seriously, you think your neighbors are great – they’ve got nothing on mine. :)

      Wednesday night, when everything started, our neighbors Greg and Holly welcomed our boys into their home.  I couldn’t stand the thought of the boys seeing me so weak and so sick, and knowing they were playing with their friends took so much weight off of our shoulders.  Holly was also able to follow up with a GREAT story of Jake sharing with everyone that he doesn’t sleep in pajamas; nope, he sleeps in his underwear just like his Daddy – I definitely needed a laugh and I couldn’t help but laugh out loud when I heard that story.  Holly also made us dinner for tonight.  She had no way of knowing this, but Jeff has inventory at his branch tonight and won’t be home until midnight.  I was worried about how I was going to feed the kids (per doctors order, I’m not supposed to do anything for the next few days).  Her timing is amazing!  Her and Greg’s kindness and friendship means more than they know.

Then there are the Smiths.  Erin was so great to taxi around and pick up Jake from Chess Club then pick up Eli from preschool.  Sean and Erin kept our boys for the evening and kept them preoccupied from wondering where I was by having a pizza party.  Talk about a fun night!  Erin also reached out to Jeff this morning to ask about my favorite drink from Dunkin Donuts.  She surprised me with my go-to medium Caramel Mocha iced coffee AND Us Weekly and InStyle magazines.  So thoughtful of her to know that my nausea has kept me from coffee for weeks and that I could use a little distraction today.  I loved spending the morning catching up with her am so thankful for her friendship.
 

        ~My friends who have celebrated in our great news and also hurt with us when our hearts were breaking – I love each of them so much and am glad that God has sent us across the country, move after move, allowing us the privilege of meeting so many wonderful people.   

  ~My co-workers: I had only shared my pregnancy with a few people at work and dreaded telling them all about the loss.  The response, however, has been overwhelming.  From our VP, my peers, and my bff in HR to my manager and my team , I have felt surrounded by love and support.  Here’s a snapshot of one response I received:

"Normally I would call for something like this but I don't want to bug you too much. Amanda, I am so so sorry to hear about your news, it is incredible how positive your email was. I can't imagine how you're feeling right now. I want you to know that we are behind you 1000%, your team absolutely loves you and deservedly so. If there is anything I can do for you to lighten the load for either you or Jeff and the boys please let me know.  I am proud to call you not only my manager but my friend and, as such, am happy to share in the good times and the bad. Hope to hear from you very soon."

      Another one of my TSMs, knowing what a huge fan I am of Edible Arrangements, sent me this sweet surprise.

~I’m blessed to have had such a speedy recovery. My surgeon had warned that I would likely be in pain for the next few days and while, yes, I’m exhausted and will likely remain weak for the next several days, I am happy to say that I am (almost) pain-free – so nice to not have physical discomfort to accompany the emotional pain.
 
~ I’m grateful for peace – for the feeling that, though I’m so incredibly sad, things will be OK.
 
~ I’m thankful that God, time and time again, has prepared me for loss.  Several weeks ago, before I even knew I was pregnant, I woke up with a song on my heart.  It was a song I had recently heard at church, and while the melody was stuck in my head, I simply couldn’t remember the words.  That very same morning, purely by coincidence, Jeff started singing the song out loud as he got dressed for work.  Every day, since that day, I’ve listened to that song – one of only 5 songs I have downloaded to my iPhone.  I’m grateful that these words have been in my mind and on my heart – they resonate more true today than they ever have.
o   Listen Here: Not For a Moment
o  Here's a sampling of the lyrics:

 And every step every breath you are there 
Every tear every cry every prayer 
In my hurt at my worst 
When my world falls down 
Not for a moment will You forsake me  

After all You are constant 
After all You are only good 
After all You are sovereign 
Not for a moment will You forsake me 
Not for a moment will You forsake me 

These, of course, are just a few of the many, many things for which I am so thankful.   And while I admit that I am very likely sometimes guilty of taking for granted the many blessings in my life, I always know that in the good times and the bad, I am this day and every day, so thankful, so grateful, and so incredibly blessed.

Thanks to you all for your love and support during this difficult time.